Alison And Maud

Information about the BBC Radio 4 and 7 programme Alison and Maud with episode guide, broadcasting dates and details of the cast:

Alison And Maud is a drama sitcom about two sisters who run a Bed and Breakfast in Norwich. Their reclusive bed bound father lives with them and they have an accountant friend called Bernard. Unfortunately the sisters are terrible at running the guest house and the comedy centres on their inability to look after their guests. Maud was a former farmer in Africa.

The regular cast of Alison And Maud were:

Alison - Denise Coffey
Maud - Miriam Margoyles
Father - Joss Ackland
Bernard - Geoffrey Whitehead
Mr Mullet - Chris Emmet
Jane - Jane Sellars

Alison and Maud was written by Sue Limb.

Alison And Maud Series One Episode Guide

The first series of Alison and Maude originally aired on Friday mornings on BBC Radio 4 at 11:30 from the 13 December 2002 until January 2003. Each episode was 30 minutes long.

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1. Fishing for Compliments - broadcast on 13 December 2002
Alison and Maud invite Bernard round for tea and to help with their VAT returns. They decide that tonight is the night to start cooking dinners for their guests. The first guest they cook for is not too fussy about what she eats, but her dog is! Who will get the can of dog food and who will enjoy the fish! Will dad still get his spotted dick?

2. Lame Ducks - broadcast on 20 December 2002
How can Alison avoid a courtship display without hastily inventing a husband? Are the couple who never leave their room having a dirty weekend? Why are there so many naughty innuendos in this episode? Is it caused by the bird watching? Will it stop when the Vicar comes to stay? What is a Spanish sausage called? Perhaps these questions will be answered. Discover if Bernard comes to the help of Alison as she tries to avoid the amorous advances of a fellow bird watcher.

3. Family Hold Back - broadcast on 27 December 2002
How does Maud manage to come up trumps in the middle of the night? What will the guests make of what is in the saucepan? Maud books in extra guests to an already full guest house so the sisters have to share a room for the first time in many years - what will Maud make of Alison's thong! The Duckets prove to be demanding guests, so much so that Alison may have to pee in the garden so as not to disturb Doris Ducket and her sinuses. I certainly wouldn't drink the medicine Alison and Maud provide. The Duckets love it so much they have cancelled their booking at the Holiday Inn at Ipswich.

4. Tennis Balls and Military Tattoos - broadcast on 3 January 2002
Sharon from Teddy Bear Cottage Guesthouse upsets Alison and Maud consoles her by calling her porridge witty. The Reverend Eely comes to stay again and Mr Mullet, the fishmonger, comes to clear the gutters. Will Bernard and Leslie find they have something unusual in common? Could it be his mother's tapestry of Sir Richard Branson and his beard or a painting of Jeffery Archer? Is Alison beyond Prozac?

5. The Unmentionable - broadcast on 10 January 2002
The vicar worries about the size of his stipend and offers to do work around the B&B to pay his way. The Inland Revenue could be asking Alison and Maud for £40,000 from inheritance tax but daddy just wants his porridge served in his lair. He predicts that Bernard will have a nasty moment in the granny flat. Is this because Bernard wants daddy to start giving his estate to his daughters now? Is Bernard strange because he sits on the face of Richard Branson whilst he does his VAT returns? Or is it normal for an accountant to sit on a cushion for more comfort.

6. Speaking in Tongues - broadcast on 17 January 2002
The Bishop of Norwich comes to tea. Alison rushes around getting decent cakes, fresh earl grey tea and arranging the sitting room. Maud acquires a PC and plans to build a website but there's an incident on the road. The Bishop's car is all scraped down one side - but he'll recognise who did it if he sees him again. Mr Mullet offers to scrub Daddy's back though Maud is more interested in getting her back seen too.

Alison And Maud Series Two Title Guide

The second series of Alison and Maude aired from the 10 March 2004. It was broadcast on a Monday at 11:30am.

1. Beds in the East are Soft - Normally it is the guests that complain about Alison and Maud's accommodation but now it his Daddy's turn. The bread has splinters in it and tastes like granite. The new orthopaedic mattress Alison gave Daddy is too hard so his other daughter, Maud, arranges a crafty swap while she is at the soft wood cuttings gardening class.

Mr Mullet makes a start on the hard standing car park and is found in bed with Daddy! He blames the fumes from Jason's chain saws.

Bernard helps by taking Alison to the garden centre when her class in cancelled. He asks if his mother can stay while his damp proofing is down. He checks out their stairs and handrail.

2. A Gender Agenda- Bernard's mother, Hilda, comes to visit Alison and Maud. Does she have a secret agenda? Will she and Alison get on? Mr Mullets topiary course come sin handy when he trims daddy's eyebrows and moustache.

When mother is asleep Bernard confines to Alison that his mum may have gotten in the way of relationships and thinks he has a solution. Alison excitedly invites him into her bedroom. He confines that he is going to advertise in the local paper for a lady companion and all he wants Alison for is to read his newspaper advertisement about a buxom lady for night in. He is hoping the lady who replies may also have an elderly relative.

With his newly trimmed facial hair daddy visits Hilda's room only to discover that she now has her own moustache. But they do discover another love, for completing cryptic crossword puzzles.

3. Golf is a Four-Letter Word - Alison cannot relax until the rooms are down and she has got over the visit by Bernard's mother. She has learnt just how under the thumb he is, catering for his mother's every whim. Maud steps in and cleans the rooms whilst Alison relaxes in the garden. Though this is the day Mr Mullet and Jason get busy with a pneumatic drill for the crazy paving. Maud persuaded them to come back tomorrow and then a bird fancier rings the bell asking for a room because Norwich is busy. So is his tongue and he won't stop chattering.

Alison comes back in from the garden and meets the new guest (Brian) who she met in a hide last year. She tries to get rid of him by convincing him they are fully booked. Maud takes the opportunity to slip away and watch the Test Match Special on the telly.

Bernard calls back because Mother thinks she has left her girdle under the bed. He enjoys a chat with Brian about cricket and the missing corset and invites Alison for a round of golf. She declines but Brian is keen. They discuss Bernard's mothers recent stay and he decides to bring his own mother for a holiday.

4. Just Say No - Alison and Maud plan Daddy's 85th birthday party but he is more interested in hallucinogenic fungus so that he can finish his crossword. He reads his daughter's stars and her horoscope says that she should just say no. Can Alison learn to do this?

The B&B gets a double cancellation. The groom has run off with the vicar.

Bernard drops in on the way to the golf club dinner and Daddy quizzes him about hallucinogenic mushrooms. Bernard learns that Maud is at the health club and imagines Maud in the sauna.

Though Daddy does not walk with a stick he regrets that his age prevents him driving, especially since the incidence with the milk float. Bernard discusses his mother's anal fissure and his own hiatus hernia.

Maud wants to clear out the box room with their dead mummy's wardrobe so that they can turn it into a sauna or internet access room. Alison thinks the wardrobe looks spooky, like a coffin lying on its side. Meanwhile Daddy is cooking oven chips but thinks that deep fried chips are tastier.

Bernard is on his way home from the golf club when he can smell burning from Daddy's flat. There is no smoke and the fire alarm is not going off, though Daddy usually takes out it when he burns the toast. The chips are burnt but Daddy is not anywhere to be seen, until he returns from the chip shop with proper chips.

Bernard gets together with Maud to learn Swahili and she in turn to be taught golf.

Alison manages to say no, about the box room.

5. Free-Range Angels - Mr Mullet fixes a dimmer switch for Daddy and over a cp of tea with Alison tells her about sugar being his downfall. Alison says she is the same about fish and both agree they could not live without electricity.

Lesley, the Vicar, arrives and starts to talk about tattoos. He is off to look at carved angels in Norfolk churches.

Bernard tells Alison about a dirty weekend at a B&B with lots of banging and she quickly changes the subject.

Alison, Maud, Bernard and a bottle of Gaviscon go to the local Thai restaurant for a take away to enjoy with Daddy. He wants a simple beef and rice dish and gets a Pla Muk Pad Ped. Daddy calls it a cow pat. Lesley joins them and shares some fish dishes and tales of HRT in the water supply. Then there is a power cut.

Mr Mullet comes to fix the electrics and blames rodents and recommends his mate Darren to get rid of them. The Sisters wonder if they really have an infestation of rats and squirrels or if Mr Mullet is covering up his earlier electrical mistakes.

6. Men Misbehaving but Only Slightly - Maud salivates over a Nigella Lawson chocolate recipe and hopes Bernard stops by for a nibble. Alison prefers the Norwich School of Cuisine without pouting by Delia Smith so buys a Madera cake to celebrate Daddies 85th Birthday. Maud remembers a woman who closes her B&B to open it as a brothel in Shaftesbury and suggests to Alison that they could get a business girl in to entertain their single men and charge an extra £50. Alison orders her never to talk about this subject again. Then Lesley, the Vicar, tells Alison he is desperate and needs her help to find a job to cover the cost of his research into East Anglian Saints. He embarrasses Alison by telling her the meaning of Norwich - Knickers Off Ready for When I Come Home!

There are birthday celebrations for Father and Bernard plays safe by buying him a gift of The Oxford Book of Oxford and writing a speech for his birthday party. Mr Mullet with a nod and a wink buys him a sensual video starring ladies with low cut dresses. He manages to wangle an invite to Daddies birthday 85th tea party but Alison worries about the dark side of Daddy. Maud makes a chocolate cake whose recipe says it should sink in the middle. Lesley admires it and gets invited to the growing party amd Maud gets to ask him More tea Vicar!

Bernard ruins the evening with his joke of the difference between a golfer finding his golf ball and finding his wife’s G spot. To which the answer was a golfer will spend 20 minutes finding his lost golf ball! It seems Bernard got mixed up with G plan furniture.

Daddy loves the bottle of port from Lesley and before he can unwrap Mr Mullets present Alison suggests they cut the cake and they all toast Daddy who in turn toasts Alison and Maud and gives them the gift of a set of golf clubs for Maud and one of those videos for Alison - Sense and Sensitivity!

They are interrupted by a phone call to book the B&B for a rugby club stag party and Maud hopes they bring their own hooker!

Alison and Maud Trivia

The alternative name for Alison and Maud was Bed and breakfast for beginners.

The series was written by Sue Limb who also wrote The Wordsmiths at Gorsemere, Up the Garden Path which starred Imelda Staunton and the sitcom Four Joneses and a Jenkins.

Alison and Maud is regularly repeated on BBC Radio 7. It is hoped that the series may be released on talking book or CD.

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